Relationships are an amalgamation of several elements. A primary one being a healthy give and take. That also means letting go of bad habits that are detrimental to the relationship, and recognising them in your partners. But there are some practices that are simply deal-breakers in a relationship. Here are 8 such things that are never okay in a relationship.
1. Invasion of privacy
This is something that often starts small. Casually picking up your partner’s phone and ‘browsing’ through their picture gallery is one way several people start it. It then progresses to their phone logs and messages. Later you become bold enough to ask for your partner’s email/Facebook passwords, as well as regularly examine the contents of their phone messages. Several long-term couples have no issue sharing their passwords, since in a healthy relationship there is no need to hide anything, but it is imperative to understand that actively asking for such details (or going behind their backs to do it) so you can go through your partner’s phones/emails/personal belongings is frankly rather disrespectful. If you do this, then you are as good as saying to them that you don’t trust them and do not respect their privacy.
Is your partner asking you to do things that he/she wouldn’t do himself? Is the division of chores around the house resting largely on your shoulders? Are you sacrificing too much for your relationship with nothing to show for it? If a resounding yes was what was going through your mind while reading the above, then it wouldn’t be inaccurate to say that your relationship is wholly unhealthy. Inequality isn’t just through household chores and career changes. Emotional inequality is a major cause of breakups. Emotional inequality is when one partner is less committed to the relationship, doesn’t share or give himself/herself to the relationship, therefore leaving the other one feeling vulnerable. They then use this vulnerability as leverage to get things done. It could be anything. A career change, forgiveness, or even something as simple as their choice of restaurant. Whatever the reason, inequality in a relationship is not acceptable.
When your partner asks you to alienate yourself from the people who have always been a part of your life, then that is when you know you need to either sit down and talk o them, or eventually call it off. They needn’t always actively do this by specifically asking you to maintain your distance from your family or friends. They may do even do this through an unstudied air of disapproval towards your family/friends. At first, this may result in awkward family gatherings, and gradually go on to complete estrangement. Asking one to give up one’s family and friends is never acceptable in a relationship.
In a healthy relationship, couples respect each other, their feelings and opinions. Several couples think it is alright to play around using expletives. But some couples sometimes take it too far and use profanity while talking to each other. That sort of derogatory language tends to hurt and is difficult to shrug off completely. This is just the beginning. When couples use such language with each other while ‘joking’, they believe it to be acceptable and it is gradually inculcated into their everyday exchange. Therefore, they continue to use it in arguments, where it is most certainly not acceptable; it is always important to fight fair and name calling, sarcasm or any sort of verbal abuse is simply not justifiable. This leads to hurt, the build up of resentment and eventually the termination of relationships.
5. Avoiding confrontations
It is healthy to fight in a relationship. Relationships where couples don’t fight are usually characteristic of repressed anger and bottled up emotions. This obviously does not mean that you should go at it like cats and dogs. But talking it out in a healthy and civilised manner is in the interest of your relationship. Closing your eyes to a potential conflict or putting your head in the ground will only aggravate a problem further.
6. Keeping score
Once you understand that you can never completely balance out your relationship, you would understand that keeping score is pointless and unhealthy. They say not to sweat the small stuff. They couldn’t be more right. “I made him dinner last night, he needs to do something in return for me tonight.” This is detrimental to your own mental health, as well as your relationship. Your partner may be doing things for you in other ways that you cannot repay. Relationships are not a competition, don’t turn them into one.
I cannot emphasize how unacceptable this is. There are no little white lies. “Did you take out the trash?” “Yes, I did.” These little fibs accumulate over time and challenge your trust in your partner. Often, it starts small, and leads to bigger lies, infidelity being one of them. When your trust is broken once, it becomes difficult to trust that same person again. That little voice at the back of your head will constantly be asking you whether trusting them again is a wise decision. Lies are a deal breaker. Avoid them.
8. Taking him/her for granted
Yes, you love your partner. Yes, he/she loves you too. And it is true that we sometimes tend to take the people who love us for granted. But once one partner starts expecting the other to pick up after him/her always, and be there for him/her while never doing the same is where begins a vicious and unhealthy cycle. It is comforting to know that you are in a secure relationship where your partner loves you and is always there for you. But it is also imperative to not abuse that love and security. Spending time with your partner, telling him/her that you love them, and doing little acts of kindness go a long way in showing your feelings for someone. Taking your partner for granted is equivalent to choking your relationship with your very own hands.
Credit: Yousra Nasir
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